on dating

There is no way I could find it again, but I recall reading an article when I was about 17 which pushed back against an overbearing Dad who had some extreme rules for boys looking to date his daughters. 

The dad's rules were along the lines of, "you should ask my permission first," and "you'd better not be wearing saggy pants when you show up." I don't recall whether this Dad was excessively overbearing (he may have had "my daughter is my property" vibes, those were common enough in my fundamentalist circles and I would have thought nothing of it) or if he was just making jokes. 17 year old me didn't have a problem with him like she would today. She agreed with him and thought that it was totally normal for a dad to evaluate, question, and intimidate prospective dates. 17 year old me had a problem with the article's pushback. I was adamant that the author was probably touting a dangerous progressive agenda that usurped my father's authority over his daughters.

I recall the author saying that boys should avoid dating girls with overbearing or controlling fathers, as this can cause issues in relationships down the line. This is true (https://www.businessinsider.com/teens-with-controlling-parents-struggle-in-relationship-school-study-2020-6). But I saw this as a threat. As I saw it, this author was telling boys that I was not worth dating. Not that my Dad was particularly overbearing or overprotective, but he leaned in those directions and would have agreed with some of the original father's points.

Also, fundamentalist and legalistic 17 year old me truly believed she was her father's property until she was her husband's. 

What bothers me now is how helpless that 17 year old was. She felt that she was in the middle of a battle between her dad and this author. The dating scene was already difficult enough in my small town. Any boy brave enough to pass my Dad's ideals was being told I wasn't worth the effort because of my dad. And I was so mentally trapped by the weight of my Dad's imagined ownership of me that I had no autonomy in the matter. 

I wish the author, who today I would likely agree with, offered a caveot for young girls trapped in similar situations. Because the author continued the discourse between the men -- the Dads making rules, and the boys considering pursuit -- and left the girls competely out of the decision making process. 

I found my autonomy and eventually love through a long process of deconstruction, but it was a difficult road. My Dad also lightened up considerably, and I likely trapped myself mentally through what I was fed by legalistic books than actual views held by my parents. But those views remain prominent in many circles, and it felt very real to me for many years.